nirvana (will you take me?)
by indraaas
Summary: He will anoint himself with his own blood tonight; there is not enough holy water in the world to cleanse himself of what he's done.


**A/N:** I'm gonna start migrating fics I'm particularly proud of from my tumblr to here. This is the first Satan and Me fic to grace my ffn page. I'm popping the proverbial cherry. Quoted from the tumblr post:

set in the whole post-natalie actually dies thing, vaguely inspired by lucifer from fox (now netflix)'s daddy issues and the rants he gets into when shit goes down (see: the priest died and lucifer yelled out of his balcony for like ten minutes). as such, expect some sour tones towards lucifer's dad in this at the behalf of lucifer.

enjoy!

title taken from the sam smith song cause I love one legend

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Satan and Me, orange-plum does.**

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"' _The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in_ '." His voice is just a little quieter than the gentle 'shhh' the pages make as he flips through them, little waves that never reach the sandy shore. "' _But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness_ '."

The faded Bible in his hands snaps shut as it slips from his grasp and lands on the dusty floor.

"So, which one is it, dad?" He snarls into the abyss. "Are you merciful or a disciplinarian? Take your _fucking pick_ , 'cause you can't have both."

The stained glass and rotted pews do not reply.

"Of course you won't answer," he hisses, digging his hands into the flesh of his thighs. He will anoint himself with his own blood tonight; there is not enough holy water in the world to cleanse himself of what he's done.

Beside him, Natalie sleeps.

She sleeps because even though her lungs have stopped working and her heart no longer contracts, he will _fix her_. This is the one thing his father _cannot_ stop. He will burn down Heaven itself all over again if it means watching her skin flush red and her lips curl around his name like a prayer. This time, her heart will beat because of _his_ intervention.

So, for now, she sleeps.

"How is this _fair_ ," Lucifer asks. The tremors in his voice catch the high beams of the building and echo back twice as loud. "She _loved_ you. Where is mercy and steadfast love in killing her? To discipline me? _You've taken enough_!"

And he _has_. He's stripped away the love of his brothers and sisters and filled him with Hell, so he can never _hearseespeakthink_ for himself again.

( _oh but daddy dear you didn't think to stop her from getting rid of it did you?_ )

( _is this punishment for her loving me more than you ever did?_ )

( _jealousy is a Sin father_ )

( _but you knew that already_ )

His wings. He's taken his _wings_. Each feather crafted from the stardust of the trillions of galaxies he made with his light ( _lucifer the morning star, the bringer of light and glory_ ), strung together to beat in _onetwothree_ , and he's gone and stripped all but one.

( _you also didn't think to stop me from giving up my last connection to the universe I helped make for her did you?_ )

( _pride is a Sin father_ )

( _but you knew that already_ )

"You've taken enough," Lucifer repeats, a little more subdued, a little less angry. He's hollow, he always has been, but now he wishes he had a heart that would beat just so he could hear _something_ other than the resounding silence around them.

He glances down at Natalie and brushes her hair out of her face. Her lips are starting to turn blue.

"I'm bringing her back and you can't do anything to stop me," he declares. The righteous fury that falls on his shoulders like a well-worn cloak in that moment is familiar; this is the same fury that cast him out of Heaven, but this time he's prepared. This time, he _will_ emerge victorious.

( _what have I got to lose? you've taken it all from me anyway you fuck_ )

( _envy is a Sin father_ )

( _but you knew that already_ )

Lucifer cradles Natalie to his chest, checks for a sign of life that he's missed, and rises slowly, so as not to disturb her sleep. He follows the worn path on the carpet up to the altar, tracing the steps of his father's more faithful children, and lies her down on the altar. Early morning rays filter through the stained glass at the top of the building and paint a haunting mosaic on her deathly pale skin; he sees a little bit of himself in the colours - fury red, agony purple, happy yellow.

He refuses to trace a cross on her forehead, refuses to let his father have any more stake over her life while she's in his grasp, but he does bow his head and allow his bloody fingers to rest against the wood where he imagines a priests might.

"I'm coming for you, Natalie," he murmurs, leaning in close enough that he can smell the lingering traces of her shampoo. "Don't you give up on me. I'm coming." His eyes flick up Heavenward, daring divine intervention itself. "Not even God can stop me."

He picks her up again and heads for the door where Death awaits.

( _charity is a Virtue lucifer_ )

( _you've learned that today_ )

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 **A/N:** bc tbh lucifer on netflix is letting me down, orange's lucifer never does.

-Eien


End file.
